Oh I’ve cried…

Haven’t you? 

Today I cried in my yoga class. Yep it happened. Every class our lovely teacher asks us how our week has been and instead of my usual witty (in my opinion) response today I started talking, choked up and could barely finish. The. Shame.

Why? Well we’ve had a few bad nights with Finley. He suffers with trapped wind which I mentioned in my b(r)estfeeding post and it has since become worse. He hasn’t slept for the past three nights and not only is this slightly tortuous and exhausting (which it really is) but I think the tears were based on my inability to cope with seeing him in pain. This is one reason I cried.

Let’s get something straight though; I’ve cried many times before today. I have probably cried once a week but often it’s just tears streaming down my face and usually because I’m too tired to hold my emotions in. I’m not sad, I’m not upset, in fact they often come because I’m happy and also, I just need to cry sometimes. This aspect of motherhood has been a slight revelation to me and possibly the most fascinating part of this new life. There is an ebb and flow of motherhood that has meant I have had tears rolling but felt extreme joy at the same time. Finley just needs to look at me and my whole body fills with a joy I couldn’t create for myself. It’s not even joy, it’s a feeling of contentment and satisfaction that I did not think achievable. They seem like such boring words to use when talking about my son but to me they are golden. To be content, fully content and happy, is priceless to me.

So, the tears are nothing new, but letting them out in front of my yoga class was unexpected. I’ve been trying to figure out why it happened today. One reason is I’m completely exhausted. When I say, he hasn’t slept I don’t mean he hasn’t slept more than two hours, I mean he has 10 – 20 minute blocks and is then awake upset and in pain. Still though I don’t think that is why I cried.

One theory that is dawning on me as the day progresses is that I cried out of disappointment. I have tried so hard to enjoy every moment this beautiful child has brought. On the days that have been hard I have taken a moment but always could put the smile back on and go forth in positivity. This week I haven’t been able to. This week motherhood has kicked my ass and that has been slightly devastating. I wanted to bask in every glorious moment and, if I’m honest, I thought that if I let my defences down, and admit that it’s been hard people would worry about me and think I am overwhelmed. Its ridiculous I know. I don’t even think it’s a pressure that has been put on me but rather one I’ve given myself. When people have told me I’m a natural, or that motherhood suits me I literally grow in stature. I am a natural aren’t I?! It really does suit me you’re right. I guess that I didn’t allow for the picture of a happy, natural Mom to be one that cries….in her yoga class.

This week however has expanded my horizons on what kind of Mom I want to be. I see now that being a successful parent means having moments and days that are kinda crappy and admitting so. I know we live in a world where we are open and honest but sometimes as parents and Moms, and women we aren’t always as honest with each other as we could be. So here I am feeling tired, mortified, with my resolve slightly bruised but not defeated saying I have cried, haven’t you?

B(r)estfeeding?

So breastfeedng is a bitch right?! It’s the least natural ‘natural’ thing I’ve ever done. I don’t even know if I continue to do it because I love it, I’m too lazy to formula feed or (which I hope is the reason) I know that it’s working for my baby and so I am persevering through all the pitfalls we have encountered out of blinding love and adoration for him. This week however, like an oasis in the dessert, I see a bottle of formula in my future and I am slowly crawling through the dry sands to reach it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Finley arrived into the world and latched like a boss. He was straight on, feeding away and his latch was worthy of a primary school teachers gold star sticker. We came home in a haze of glorious love for each other and our brand-new baby boy. Two days in and we were rocking parenting. Then the public health nurse arrived and to my shock and horror my 10lb baby had lost weight. BUT… WHAT? Aha fear not said Dr Google, this is normal and he will regain it in no time. We continued to feed round the clock and the PHN returned….dear god not only was he not gaining fast enough, he also wasn’t doing enough poos. MY BOOBS ARE EMPTY I cried, I am starving my child I wept, everything is terrible and nothing will ever be good again I lamented. Disclaimer: our PHN was so lovely however the constant weighing and calls about pooey nappies truly made me want to return to the hospital and make them show me how to keep my baby alive. **Spoiler Alert** He is fine and it was all normal.

So, all babies lose weight straight after they are born. Babies that are formula fed tend to put it on faster while breastfed babies have to wait for the milk to arrive and thus it can take longer. Also, the poo will arrive, don’t you worry Mama, it will arrive good and strong and you will laugh at the day that you fretted. Your baby may then poo many times a day, once a day or once every few days. Breast milk has little waste which is why it can vary from baby to baby and digestive system to digestive system. Remember, as you will have now been told 4 million times, every baby is unique.

During the never-ending weight/ poo drama (which lasted 2 little weeks until he was back to birth weight) I also began to feel an unusual sensation in my boobs. It was day 5 when I felt like there were lines of pain in both breasts and which I decided was my milk coming in. Hurrah! I thought, my baby shall be fed, but ouch it sure does hurt to feed him. This pain got worse…and worse. I cried many times. Dr Google said cracked nipples…bleeding nipples…air your nipples, keep them dry. I walked around the house for days with my boobs hanging out, telling my husband not to look at me as the last shards of my dignity packed its knapsack and scuttled away, too embarrassed to be seen with me. Then Dr Google told me I might have nipple thrush. Yes you heard me, thrush IN MY NIPPLES. Well that’s wonderful. Off to the lactation consultant we went. She showed me how to latch Finley and suggested a treatment for my nipples which was two types of cream on the nipples to be washed off before feed. Considering my baby fed approximately 4,000* times a day this was a pain in the…nips. *(may be a slight exaggeration)

I persevered but alas the pain only got worse. I was then diagnosed with ductal thrush. Yes you heard me, thrush in my milk ducts. One dose of treatment…nothing. A second dose of treatment…nothing. However just for the craic I also got mastitis during this week. That was fun and probably caused by bad feeding techniques due to the spears of hot fiery pain coursing through my breasts. Antibiotics were taken and a new strong 2-week treatment was given for the thrush. Hurrah it will be gone. But wait…what is this constant burn in my nipples you ask? Ah well it turns out that underneath all of those pains I also have extremely sensitive nips inherited from my Mother who passed away before I ever cared to ask about her breastfeeding history. I can tell you the temperature through nipple power alone these days.

And now, 15 weeks later, how am I? Oh well thank you for worrying, I’m super. Ha! Just joking. Our new dilemma is that Finley, due to a stuffy nose, may be getting too much fore milk which is making him gassy and screamy (is that a word?) and not enough of my fine creamy hind milk. Yes I have returned to the fore and hind milk issue. Sigh. If it does not improve I shall try a bottle of formula and see if that doesn’t work. If that doesn’t work then my son and I shall set off to the Caribbean and share a cocktail made on coconut milk which, if you believe popular culture, appears to be the answer for everything.

So after all of that jolly talk what are the lessons I’ve learnt? I’m going to number them to make sure you don’t miss an important lesson. You’re welcome

1.      Well breastfeeding is the hardest, most demanding, relentless thing I have ever done and yet I choose to do it multiple times every day and feel grateful that I have been able to breastfeed my baby. So I guess that shows the power of breastfeeding? 

2.      Breastfeeding is a choice. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do it, but you shouldn’t feel that you can’t either. It is incredibly rewarding and if you want to breastfeed you almost certainly can, you just need some guidance from a lactation consultant, some perseverance and a box of paracetamol to help.

3.      The marketing of breastfeeding is WAY off mark. Please be honest with us dear Government. If you want me to breastfeed show me the picture of the lady with her boobs hanging out to air dry while she cries into her pint of water that she desperately needs to be alcohol/ a comfort drink. I am yet to meet the woman who spent her time breastfeeding with a designer shirt gently resting midway down her arm, her freshly showered hair touching softly off her face as she gazes lovingly at her thriving baby. That might happen but for me.. and every woman I’ve spoken with this was not the case. Tell us it’s hard and brutal and lots can go wrong, then tell us how to avoid this. And remind us that it’s a choice and you can stop but that many women don’t and that it is worth it. The moment I accepted that I didn’t have to breastfeed was when I decided I wanted to and would keep going. Don’t give new Moms false expectations when the reality is so different and she will only find that out when she is exhausted, emotional and possibly sitting on a rubber ring because of extensive surgery to save her vagina (just me?) 

4.      Show me the… Lactation Consultant. Did you know that after having a baby you can’t be discharged until you ‘open your bowels’ (more on that another day)? Well in my opinion as a first-time breastfeeding mother you also shouldn’t be able to leave until you have seen a lactation consultant or been given an appointment for a satellite clinic. I honestly didn’t know that milk coming in wasn’t meant to feel like my breasts may fall off due to combustion until the lactation consultant told me.  Want me to breastfeed? Support me, guide me and make it possible for me to keep going. Not everyone has the money to hand out to a private LC and I would put money on the fact that those who can’t pay to see one may be the same people who stop breastfeeding despite a strong desire to continue. 

5.      I should probably mention dear breastfeeding mothers that I am unique in the amount that has happened. In fact I appear to be a leaflet of all the things that can be wrong, wrapped up in my two boobs to make it easier for you to hear all of the pitfalls in one story. You’ll be fine and you will most likely adore breastfeeding.