Could it be?

As you can see my great intentions to write post miscarriage stayed as just that….an intention. It was for a couple of reasons. One was because I was struggling with getting through each day and writing it down just seemed a bit miserable. Then amidst the struggle I found out that I was pregnant again and really had no idea what to feel let alone write.

Pregnancy after miscarriage, life after death, was a whole new learning. I want to say I was happy, I felt lucky, I had hope but I didn’t. I wasn’t sad, of course it was good news – but only if the baby survived which there was no way of knowing would be the case. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to suffer another loss, I really didn’t want to have to be.

I was scared, I am scared.

On our first pregnancy I set up the scene of telling my husband, it was beautiful. I will never forget the look on his face. It was that memory that stung so hard after our miscarriage – to know that I had to let go of that moment because it no longer existed in the way it had. On this pregnancy I told him when we were changing the sheets on the bed. I whispered it and then we went to meet friends for the night. For the next few weeks we discussed very little about it, my choice more than his. He was happy but he knew….a positive pregnancy result can mean nothing at all.

I felt a lot sicker with this pregnancy, I was exhausted all the time. From 2pm until I gave up and went to bed I was sick. My appetite was insatiable, my boobs were sore and heavy. All signs of a good pregnancy and as the days and weeks continued a little bubble of hope was growing. At 8.5 weeks we had a reassurance scan, the name itself comforted me. The day arrived, the middle of December and the day before my Mothers 14^th anniversary, it’s amazing how we look for little signs when we need them. I couldn’t look at the monitor for fear of what I wouldn’t see but there it was, a beautiful blob with a spinning top in the middle that our midwife said was our babies’ heart. It spun around hypnotising us as it did. We had never seen our first babies’ heart beating so here was the first indication for me that things were different.

We left the appointment and I saw the face again. The joy of pregnancy, of a future, of our dreams realised. It was there on my husband. We wandered around Grafton Street in a happy daze. He kissed me under the Christmas lights – he held me tight, brought me into him and kissed me hard. It was a kiss to breath the life back into me, to show me that together we had been through the worst and here was the best.

The scan gave me the hope I needed to accept the sickness and know that this time it may not end with pain. We told family and friends over Christmas but I was still apprehensive. I didn’t want to be imprisoned by the fear that my miscarriage had left me with and sharing the news seemed like a step towards breaking free from it. I told people with my eyes slightly squinted though, as if I was telling bad news. I still couldn’t believe that I wasn’t. I planned for how we would follow up when the pregnancy ended again, I had conversations to this effect in my head so that I could be more prepared this time. My poor baby, it started life with a mother who had no faith in it. I feel so guilty for that.

On January 7^th we had a 12 week scan as part of our booking appointment. There on the screen appeared our baby. It was a tiny miraculous human dancing for its Mom and Dad. Its little legs kicked up to meet its waving arms. It moved so much the sonographer got different measurements each time. A happy baby was what we were told from a laughing consultant, our happy baby.

We left the appointment and for the first time in my pregnancy I rubbed my belly. I spoke to my child that had danced for me. I thanked it for showing us just how alive it is. I thanked our first baby for preparing my body to welcome its sibling, for showing me through its own death that without any doubts I desperately wanted, and was ready, to be a Mom.

So here I am now. 13 weeks and two days pregnant. I believe it is happening and while July is a terrifying amount of time away I have let myself accept that maybe this time I will get a rainbow from the storm.