Oh I’ve cried…

Haven’t you? 

Today I cried in my yoga class. Yep it happened. Every class our lovely teacher asks us how our week has been and instead of my usual witty (in my opinion) response today I started talking, choked up and could barely finish. The. Shame.

Why? Well we’ve had a few bad nights with Finley. He suffers with trapped wind which I mentioned in my b(r)estfeeding post and it has since become worse. He hasn’t slept for the past three nights and not only is this slightly tortuous and exhausting (which it really is) but I think the tears were based on my inability to cope with seeing him in pain. This is one reason I cried.

Let’s get something straight though; I’ve cried many times before today. I have probably cried once a week but often it’s just tears streaming down my face and usually because I’m too tired to hold my emotions in. I’m not sad, I’m not upset, in fact they often come because I’m happy and also, I just need to cry sometimes. This aspect of motherhood has been a slight revelation to me and possibly the most fascinating part of this new life. There is an ebb and flow of motherhood that has meant I have had tears rolling but felt extreme joy at the same time. Finley just needs to look at me and my whole body fills with a joy I couldn’t create for myself. It’s not even joy, it’s a feeling of contentment and satisfaction that I did not think achievable. They seem like such boring words to use when talking about my son but to me they are golden. To be content, fully content and happy, is priceless to me.

So, the tears are nothing new, but letting them out in front of my yoga class was unexpected. I’ve been trying to figure out why it happened today. One reason is I’m completely exhausted. When I say, he hasn’t slept I don’t mean he hasn’t slept more than two hours, I mean he has 10 – 20 minute blocks and is then awake upset and in pain. Still though I don’t think that is why I cried.

One theory that is dawning on me as the day progresses is that I cried out of disappointment. I have tried so hard to enjoy every moment this beautiful child has brought. On the days that have been hard I have taken a moment but always could put the smile back on and go forth in positivity. This week I haven’t been able to. This week motherhood has kicked my ass and that has been slightly devastating. I wanted to bask in every glorious moment and, if I’m honest, I thought that if I let my defences down, and admit that it’s been hard people would worry about me and think I am overwhelmed. Its ridiculous I know. I don’t even think it’s a pressure that has been put on me but rather one I’ve given myself. When people have told me I’m a natural, or that motherhood suits me I literally grow in stature. I am a natural aren’t I?! It really does suit me you’re right. I guess that I didn’t allow for the picture of a happy, natural Mom to be one that cries….in her yoga class.

This week however has expanded my horizons on what kind of Mom I want to be. I see now that being a successful parent means having moments and days that are kinda crappy and admitting so. I know we live in a world where we are open and honest but sometimes as parents and Moms, and women we aren’t always as honest with each other as we could be. So here I am feeling tired, mortified, with my resolve slightly bruised but not defeated saying I have cried, haven’t you?