Sometimes I can’t decide if the world shows just happiness
or just sadness. Social media is full of everyone's bright moments which makes
it hard when you’re struggling, but yet we also only read about death and
despair. So I write about my struggles hoping they will help someone else, but
now I want to write about my sunshine because that can be helpful too. I forget,
or maybe I remember but feel guilty, that it’s ok to be happy. Its great in fact,
it should be celebrated, banked and cashed in to bring us through those times
that are less joyful.
You
Before I got married I read about the pitfalls of being
married. Websites are very helpful for laying out the Top 10 things to avoid if
you want a happy marriage. They eagerly point out the roles we should play, the
reasons we stray and how to make sure you know when your partner does. And then
I got married and I forgot what was on which list and I was me, and he was he
and we were happy.
Then I got pregnant and I read about how much stress a baby places
on a relationship. People eagerly share the impact that a baby has and, sadly, at times I did worry about us. Would we love the baby more than each other?
Can a bubble grow or does it just burst? Would I resent my baby or my husband
if I was given less love and our new person was given more?
And then Finley Winston Doyle arrived and I discovered that
bubbles grow and grow. That love grows and grows. That your heart doesn’t
increase in size to accommodate just the baby, but also the person standing
terrified with you. I knew my husband would be a great Dad so that wasn’t a
surprise, I had just never thought of how him being a Dad would change him as a
husband. Of course there are pressures, my god we have driven each other mad.
Sleepless nights, painful days. A baby who couldn’t tell us why he was sad,
a partner who couldn’t fix it. Everyone is right, it changes things. The
websites aren’t lying…the lists are real but they are incomplete.
You will cry, you will hate each other (a friendly version
of hate), you will fight over abstract emotions that neither of you really feel
BUT you will laugh so much. You will lean on each other and feel the strength
of your teammate. You will trust the love you have. You will collapse into the
history you share like a safety blanket, wrapping you in belief and helping to reenergise
your determination. You will see your child love his parent and you will see why.
You will look at this person you created together and sometimes that fact alone
will leave you breathless. A whole life that exists because you chose it to.
You will be proud and you will be content and you will realise that those
feelings are very under rated.
He
Our boy. I don’t even know what to write about him, I am not
a great enough writer to give him justice. Sometimes it feels like I can see my
emotions and so here is my best explanation of being Finleys Mom. In the days
following my Mothers death I lay on the sofa in my dressing gown and I recall a
feeling of blackness around me. I can remember the feeling still, it just felt
dark. Finley is colour, he feels like a deep breath, my love for him extends
like a universe. This morning I turned to look at him; he was clapping and
smiling to himself, then he saw me and just started to laugh; in that moment
life felt complete. My greatest fear now is that he may not know my love for
him. That fear in itself is a privilege, because instead of feeling like I have
no future I worry about how long my future will be. I accept how lucky I am to
experience that.
And We
My family. I am a mother, I am a wife. Some days I feel very
far removed from the person I want to be, sometimes I feel like this person is
exactly who I have worked to become. Motherhood does that to you. It’s hard to
merge your new identity with the feeling that you don’t have one at all. Right now I’m happy for my priority to be my
family, I know it will come back to being myself but until then I’m going to
enjoy the simplicity that life with a baby brings.
What’s the point of this piece? Well it’s not to brag. It’s
not to sit smugly. It’s just to say that I’m happy and I feel lucky to be. It’s
to try counteract some of the lists, some of the dread and the fears. It’s to
recognise that while both take work, marriage and parenting are great
decisions. That a baby can have a positive effect on a relationship, it just
sells more ad space when we talk about the negatives.
This isn’t everyone’s experience of course. I needed to
represent my story though because this life, especially on social media, needs
a bit of balance.
p.s You may have noticed the chirpier tone of this blog. Yes my friends Finley now sleeps. Love is alive, the sky is blue, the birds sing sweetly once more.
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